Great Big Love

Wife 1 and Wife 2, who "get along like sisters."

Polygamy is a common and accepted practice here. If I mention that it is illegal in the United States, I’m usually met with looks of surprise or bewilderment. A New York Times article on March 23, “In Secret, Polygamy Follows Africans to N.Y.,” (http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/23/nyregion/23polygamy.html) even mentions a Gambian. The issue came to the forefront with the tragic Bronx fire involving members of a Malian family where polygamy was practiced.

Aside from traditional cultural practices, polygamy is justified by a verse in the Quran which states that it is acceptable to have more than one wife, if they can all be treated equally. To western eyes, perhaps hundreds of years ago, when there was a shortage of men (due, for example, to wars and long journeys) and women had no way of fending for themselves, polygamy could be justified. In this era, I think the verse is a challenge even to many believers: it seems impossible to treat multiple wives equally. A wise person could say “why don’t you walk from the U.S. to Africa” or “walk to the moon.” But you know full well that it is logically not possible to do either of these – just like it is not possible to treat multiple wives equally. I advocate cultural diversity and preservation, but I also believe that there is a limit to acceptable traditional practices that affect human lives, like female genital mutilation (also very common in the Gambia) and polygamy.

Past-Present-Polygamy

I’ve come across some interesting examples of accomplished women who tell me they have no problem being the second wife.

The Gambian deputy head mistress of the primary school where we volunteer is a second wife (I’ll call her W2). I met the first wife (W1), who sells food at the school, thanks to arrangements made by W2. W2 described that she could never have had children and continued in her career, if it weren’t for the assistance of W1, who wet-nursed W2’s children and cared for them while she went to work. So, while W2 earned income to feed the family, W1 took care of the domestic side. The husband, incidentally, was not even mentioned in this arrangement. After decades of living together, these women have found a way to get along, and perhaps it’s easier without involving him too much.

Another example is that of a few educated European women. In some ways, it’s seen on anthropologic terms: this is an age-old practice, so don’t try to change native culture. One Northern European woman described her situation to me: “Like so many European women, I wanted a career, and by the time I was ready for a family, it was hard to find a compatible man; I was set in my ways and wanted to remain independent. By marrying a man I love who already has a wife to care for him on a daily basis (in a rural area), I can remain in town, have children, and we can see each other on weekends. And I don’t have so many domestic responsibilities. This is an ideal situation for me, and my children are part of a large immediate and extended family.”

I digested this perspective for days. I couldn’t believe that I knew a modern, European woman who seemed perfectly happy being the “weekend wife.”

Not So Easy

These are a few examples of people who tell me they are happy in the moment with their living arrangement. It’s really about that: a living arrangement. It’s not as much about a fulfilling marriage. My African friends have told me that it cannot be a fulfilling marriage in the modern sense of the word. It’s a necessity, due to poverty, and to a lesser extent, tradition. The European example goes back to a living arrangement, and is a definite exception. Among the successful African businesswomen I know, they say “no way” will they stand their husbands taking another wife.

One of the biggest problems I see with the practice (especially in the urban areas) is the fact that there are no boundaries for married men. If they have the material resources to pay a “bride price” (brides are essentially bought), then any girl over the age of 13 or 14 is fair game, regardless of the man’s age. (I spoke with a man in his 70’s who is ready to “take another wife,” the younger the better, and obviously, she must be able to bear children.) It’s also easier to “discard” a wife who doesn’t produce children or fulfill her husband in other ways. Whereas in the west, married men would have clandestine affairs riddled by guilt, here, it is possible to be out in the open with multiple families. Some even consider this more pious, as it gives a man more opportunity to father additional children.

Then there are the health implications, like the spread of STD’s. Having multiple wives increases the spread of HIV and AIDS. Domestic abuse is correlated with a household with multiple wives. There is much frustration, rivalry, and limited resources to feed everyone, so it’s easiest to take out aggravations on the many women and children in the home compound. At the school where I volunteer, every child I asked said that they see their fathers or uncles hitting their mothers and other female family members.

There is much policy and academic research on this subject and it is very complex and emotional. This blog entry – longer than my usual ones – can not treat this subject in depth, but it’s such an important phenomenon in this environment that I needed to write a little about it.

One organization based in Washington, DC, the Tahirih Justice Center, helps women who are fleeing various forms of persecution in their home countries. It started with the asylum case of Fauziya Kasinga of Togo, fleeing forced female genital mutilation, and helped to set legal precedent for women to gain asylum due to gender-based persecution. Since then the Center has helped hundreds of women from around the world. You can find out more at: http://www.tahirih.org/.